I’m mad about the Boy.



And I know it’s Stupid to be Mad about the Boy……

The day after J died, I turned to my Mother -in- Law and said -“He’s dead, but I love him more than I did yesterday, what should I do?” She didn’t know,….. so that was disappointing. But the same thing happened the day after and then the day after that. I got very worried, this is total lunacy I thought, the man is dead. My worry really was that even in those initial days there was the strongest, almost primal desire to move on and heel as quickly as humanly possible, and I knew that this would halt this or delay it at the very least. I really tried to explain this to those close to me at the time but I’m not sure they fully understood. Today one of my closest friends sent me the below with the line- ‘his attitude reminds me of you.’ Now I know she does understand me.





For Alex F.

3 thoughts on “I’m mad about the Boy.

  1. Funnily enough, I thought the same about that man in Paris – the minute I read about it, I thought of you. And I’ve never even been lucky enough to meet you. Or James. Though I feel like I know you both so well after reading this. That’s testament to you. Your children are so lucky to have this timeless and beautifully painted portrait of their dad forever.

    I can see that the more it hurts, the more you love. You don’t want to lock away the pain too soon. It reminds me of the wonderful kids’ book The Heart and The Bottle by Oliver Jeffers. I know I related to the girl in the story who decided to stop feeling anything after a loss, in the hope of never again feeling pain. You seem to find joy and beauty in spite of the pain, so you’re free of the glass bottle. And you model to your children to love with every ounce of your being, as that’s the only way to live.

    You often quote songs and books, and how you live reminds me of the Eels song Hey Man (Now You’re Really Living). “Do you know what it’s like to fall on the floor, cry your guts out til you got no more? Hey man, now you’re really living. Have you ever made love to a beautiful girl, made you feel like it’s not such a bad world? Hey man, now you’re really living.” It feels like you are living the joy and the sadness at the same time.

    With every word you write, I can feel the love James has for you and you for him. And for the whole family. He’s gone, but the love is still there. And it always will be.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s also this by the same artist which captures heartbreak so beautifully and with a level of swearing I enjoy.

    The lead singer (Mark Oliver Everett) has seen a lot of tragedy and, much like you, has turned it into beautiful, emotion laden art.

    Liked by 1 person

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