How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world’s forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.
Since launching this blog I have had hundreds of emails, letters, online posts, tweets and Facebook messages. Some from people I know, others I don’t and it has been wonderful to read all of them. Quite a few have talked about the relationship between James and I and they say that most people will never experience this kind of love. I expect they are right but to that I say -“lucky fuckers.” Ignorance is so blissful. I do actually believe this. And it’s not just me that thinks this, they even made a film about it: In the above mentioned film the theory goes that for a fee, the memory can be wiped, any distressing memories are erased and the benefactor can go back to life as normal, unaware that they had ever experienced anything painful. As I said in an earlier post- Grief is untidy, this would be the ultimate spring clean and I would happily pay the fee. I’d pay double the fee. I know the forfeit is loss of memories but it it surely worth it to avoid agony’s clutch.
About three months after James died the agony was close to unbearable, it was a burning pain so I thought going to see a therapist might help. She told me that they don’t really like to see people before six months. ‘Why?’ I asked. “Well you just need to experience it” she told me. ‘You fucking experience it!’, is what I wanted to say. Ironically these are the same words uttered by my doctor when I went to her two days after James died and asked her, very politely, for some Crystal Meth.
It’s a bit like that scene in ‘The Matrix’ where Neo is given the choice: Blue pill or Red pill. Red: experience and feel or Blue: live in blissful ignorance. Alice’s EAT ME/DRINK ME. Stay the same or swallow and be changed forever and see the world as it really is, feel more deeply. Give me the blue pill, every single time. I wish I had no knowledge of any of this. When you swallow the red pill everything is stained, tainted and contaminated, there is a lack of luster, a dusty residue. Lights out, words gone.“The more a thing is perfect, the more it feels pleasure and pain.”*
I don’t imagine I will always feel this way, I do hope not, which is why this blog is so important for my family and me. It’s a time capsule in the ether.
Everbody’s got to learn sometime.
* The Divine Comedy.(Inferno)
3 thoughts on “Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.”
so true. it is like that god awful saying we used to utter as teenagers when our hearts were broken for the 60th time..’better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’…..nope it really isn’t, certainly not for a while. You can’t miss what you haven’t had and when you do actually miss something it can be so painful, for however long it lasts, that it can feel like it is eclipsing all the good stuff.I know from my own experience of bereavement, and that’s not through losing a spouse or significant other but losing a parent when i was a young teenager, that at times i wanted to forfeit the time we had had together just so the time without didn’t exist and i didn’t have to feel anything. The thing is time does move on, just as they say, and lives get rebuilt and gather pace, and whilst there has still been the odd day over the years when i felt and thought the same, it is now through a sort of gauzy shield or an occasional nostalgic twinge rather than the constant fighting for breath of the early days…much more manageable and our body and mind’s way of helping us survive. I wish you the blue pill for those days that you need them. x
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Another beautiful piece of you. I have never written this to you as wasn’t sure it was helpful but seeing as this blog is on this subject: when reading your blogs the overriding thought is that your love was & will always be so very perfect…and I think, maybe, sometime out in the mystery of tomorrow, somewhere…you ll be glad you tasted the red xxx
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Beautiful piece once again darling! Thank you and I am truly honoured, your words are immersive, I feel like I am under water holding my breath held in time, so poetic filled with honesty and your immeasurable love for James, stunning, lots of love darling always xxxxx Henrietta